By Jenn Drake, Early Elementary Classroom Teacher
(Editor’s note: While the student-teacher interactions included in this post actually occurred, the names have been changed.)
When something goes wrong, say one child grabs something out of another鈥檚 hand, each will respond in a different way. One will grab it right back. One will shout. Another will sit there and cry. And yet another will run to the teacher for help. I鈥檓 not sure if these are instinctual reactions or learned responses. Either way, inevitably, someone ends up saying, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry.鈥
I hate 鈥淚鈥檓 sorries,鈥 and not because I don鈥檛 like an apology. Sometimes 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry鈥 is the only thing you can say in a situation (such as bonking a kid with an elbow, as I accidentally did the other day). But usually, kids will say I鈥檓 sorry to be done with problem-solving and get out of the situation as quickly as possible. In the scenario described above, most kids know that when a teacher is coming, the fastest way to get back to playing is to say, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry!鈥 before even hearing the other person out. That鈥檚 why I say 鈥淚鈥檓 sorries鈥 have got to go!
Let鈥檚 go back to that example. Say Sophia grabs the walkie-talkie from Ruby鈥檚 hand. True story. Ruby would actually grab it back. So would Sophia. Then the tears would flow from Ruby鈥檚 eyes as she would rush to a teacher for help. Before I would even make it over to the rug where they were playing, Sophia would be declaring, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry!鈥
Today, things are different because of the modeling I鈥檝e done with Sophia and Ruby about how to problem-solve in a way that actually honors the feelings of the people involved and promotes growth and possibilities. Here鈥檚 the situation as it unfolds today.
Sophia and Ruby are playing with the camping supplies in the classroom. Things are getting a little heated because Sophia has been in the tent for a few minutes, and Ruby is ready for her turn. The tent has also become a storehouse for all the supplies 鈥 walkie-talkies, binoculars, compasses, and cooking gear. Ruby tries to take the binoculars and Sophia snatches them out of her hand.
Ruby: Hey, that was mine!
Sophia: No it wasn鈥檛. It鈥檚 in the tent.
Ruby: It鈥檚 no fair! You have all the toys!
Sophia: You can have them after me.
Ruby: It鈥檚 not fair! Jenn?!
Ruby comes over to tell me the story.聽
Me: That seems really hard.
Ruby: Yeah. And she wasn鈥檛 even playing with it.
Me: Yeah. It sounds like you were trying to have a turn with something and she said you couldn鈥檛.
Ruby: Yeah.
Me: That must have made you feel mad because you want your turn.
Ruby: Yeah.
Me: Let鈥檚 talk to Sophia and see if you two can come up with a solution.
We go to the tent and ask Sophia to come out.
Sophia: I was using that!
Me: Hang on, Sophia. Let鈥檚 give Ruby a chance to say what鈥檚 on her mind. This is a good time to listen.
Ruby: I wanted the binoculars and you weren鈥檛 even using them and you said no.
Me: Tell her how you鈥檙e feeling.
Ruby: I鈥檓 sad because I want to play with them.
Sophia: But I was playing with them first.
Me: Sophia, imagine Ruby got something taken from her. How do you think she would feel?
Sophia: Bad.
Ruby: Yeah.
Sophia: Here, you can have it.
Ruby: Thanks.
Me: And how could we do that differently next time?
Ruby: I could set a five minute timer.
Sophia: Or she could ask, 鈥楥ould I have that after you?鈥
Me: Those are some pretty good ideas. Ruby, do you feel better?
Ruby: Yes.
Me: How are you feeling, Sophia?
Sophia: Fine. Can I play now?
Me: Of course! Thanks for problem-solving with me.
Things were different in this scene because we viewed things through a different lens. Sophia was never even asked to admit she did something wrong. When Ruby tried to blame her and put her on the defensive, I asked Ruby to tell the story about how she was feeling. And then I asked Sophie to respond in terms of how she would feel if something were taken from her. Everybody can relate to that. It helps build empathy, and removes the vicious blame-shame-denial cycle. And there was an emphasis on 鈥渘ext time,鈥 giving them a chance to plan for a better future. They came up with great ideas that probably would make things better next time. And they both felt fine afterwards and were able to continue playing without any more conflict. It took months to get them there, but here we are and it鈥檚 a much more caring environment for everyone. And all without uttering the phrase, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry.鈥
